Monday, April 23, 2012
Trop beau pour être vrai
Oui, c'est déjà presque fini...(mais je sais qu'il est un peu trop tôt pour célébrer)!
Monday, April 16, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
The resistance
i may go nuts once in a while these days, but you see, D., you are still not the center of my universe. You never will be :-)
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Monday, April 9, 2012
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
On K. S. and B. W.
i have an urge to draw a heart with "FOREVER" marked in it, add a vertical line through the middle, and then write down K. S. and B. W. on either side of the line - as if a trick like this would actually prevent all of us (yes, "us") from the possibility of a someday that once was a heavy heartbreak. (The lid was pulled off too soon, so the steam is now gone. What's to rekindle? Unless...)
Authors are not gods but story-tellers, that part i am well aware of, but it is very unlikely that we can deny that authors OWN the story. They can have it their way - however they want it developed, or most importantly, ended.
i say, if that much dreaded someday did come, i would, i definitely would put up a fight. In my own way.
Authors are not gods but story-tellers, that part i am well aware of, but it is very unlikely that we can deny that authors OWN the story. They can have it their way - however they want it developed, or most importantly, ended.
i say, if that much dreaded someday did come, i would, i definitely would put up a fight. In my own way.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
"You"
Well, sometimes i wonder if "you" being a different pronoun from "I" or "she" or "they" is a conspiracy of the language itself. No gender indicated, unclear singularity/plurality - "you" is a master of disguise all right :-)
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Frankly...
i know this is really n.o.m.b., but none of whatever you are doing now will "fill the emptiness." Been there, done that. All the charade doesn't mean that you've moved on, but you got time...you'll get there.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
About "Linspirational"
So...with the Knicks' 7th win and now back to .500 - the lesson is you need to be a better version of yourself each and every day!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Okay...
i really think i may have blown it...if there is a next step, i will be very surprised. Damn!
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Saturday, January 14, 2012
To January 14, 2012
"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." - Martin Luther King Jr.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
80's music always!
You are flying in half an hour, and won't be around for a while. i know my 80's music will fill the emptiness - let the music start!
Hohoho, at this very moment, it's Milli Vanilli and "Blame it on the rain." It's just like the old days, with me and my music
Hohoho, at this very moment, it's Milli Vanilli and "Blame it on the rain." It's just like the old days, with me and my music
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Make no mistake
You don't own your children and their thoughts, and most certainly not mine. You come here and provoke a fight, i will stand my ground.
(R.W. was so right when he made the statement, "Some water is thicker than blood.")
(R.W. was so right when he made the statement, "Some water is thicker than blood.")
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Oops
Well, this shall not be the conclusion note of the year, but i am seriously fed up with these few months of your vanity and pretense. Please stop being pathetic, and quit pretending to be the person that you are not.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
My advice
When you scream that there are hundreds of cars going towards you, maybe it is you that's been going the wrong way.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Wish granted
Wish of the year: You want a deadline, you got a deadline! (But leaving a quick note as a post is sort of cheating.)
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Just a thought
People always say "you've got to move on," but sometimes i feel that by doing so we simply left too much behind.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Bidding farewell
i understand that Death eventually will take away all of us - yes, Death, king of darkness, end of everything, of all worldly connections, precious or sad. Death is among us; people die all the time. You've seen it on TV and in the movies. However, when Death turns to those close to you, then this "certainty" becomes cruelly, painfully unexpected.
Grandpa left us on Monday, February 14, 2011, a few days after being rushed to the emergency room one early morning and later to the Intensive Care Unit. At first, it seemed that he might have been able to make it, but his heart and lungs were rapidly failing. He had so much difficulty breathing even with the oxygen mask. Still, his death was not an expected ending of the hospitalization. The following week, each time Mom and i spoke over the phone, she cried hard, and so did i.
That was (Saint) Valentine's Day of 2011.
Seven weeks and a half later, on Friday, April 8, 2011, grandma passed away too. Two weeks before her death, she first complained about some lump in her throat, and was diagnosed of Lymphoma Cancer. The doctor said it was terminal. At the hospital, she did not respond well to the aggressive treatment, lost her appetite and suffered internal bleeding in her stomach, so the treatment was stopped. Grandma asked to go home, the doctor also agreed that home was a better place for her to...leave. She hung on for one more day at home, with her children and grandchildren around her. Dad said Grandma closed her eyes in peace.
Within two months, Mom lost both her parents. i think Dad understood the loss better, because he buried his father a long time ago when he himself just turned a father, and then his mother (my paternal grandmother) in 2002. In Mom's family, somehow the relationships were much tighter and closer. Mom has five other siblings, each married with children. i grew up with cousins my age; all the hanging out was irreplaceable. The get-togethers, the sleepovers, and the holding hands. Mom's family still gets together very often. Now we share the same grief. To me, Grandpa and Grandma were the closer grandparents of all three (my paternal grandfather died before i was born). They had always been the loving, caring grandparents.
i didn't make Grandpa's funeral, and very likely, i will miss Grandma's as well. So Grandpa, Grandma, this is my own farewell to you two: "Goodbye, Grandpa, and goodbye, Grandma!" i know i will be missing you a lot. It's not the "Goodbye!" we grandchildren always yelled at the end of each visit when the car pulled away - it is now a real Goodbye, a Goodbye that will no longer be smiled and waved back at, a Goodbye that can't be unaccompanied with sorry tears, and an end-of-everything Goodbye...
阿公再見！阿嬤再見！
Grandpa left us on Monday, February 14, 2011, a few days after being rushed to the emergency room one early morning and later to the Intensive Care Unit. At first, it seemed that he might have been able to make it, but his heart and lungs were rapidly failing. He had so much difficulty breathing even with the oxygen mask. Still, his death was not an expected ending of the hospitalization. The following week, each time Mom and i spoke over the phone, she cried hard, and so did i.
That was (Saint) Valentine's Day of 2011.
Seven weeks and a half later, on Friday, April 8, 2011, grandma passed away too. Two weeks before her death, she first complained about some lump in her throat, and was diagnosed of Lymphoma Cancer. The doctor said it was terminal. At the hospital, she did not respond well to the aggressive treatment, lost her appetite and suffered internal bleeding in her stomach, so the treatment was stopped. Grandma asked to go home, the doctor also agreed that home was a better place for her to...leave. She hung on for one more day at home, with her children and grandchildren around her. Dad said Grandma closed her eyes in peace.
Within two months, Mom lost both her parents. i think Dad understood the loss better, because he buried his father a long time ago when he himself just turned a father, and then his mother (my paternal grandmother) in 2002. In Mom's family, somehow the relationships were much tighter and closer. Mom has five other siblings, each married with children. i grew up with cousins my age; all the hanging out was irreplaceable. The get-togethers, the sleepovers, and the holding hands. Mom's family still gets together very often. Now we share the same grief. To me, Grandpa and Grandma were the closer grandparents of all three (my paternal grandfather died before i was born). They had always been the loving, caring grandparents.
i didn't make Grandpa's funeral, and very likely, i will miss Grandma's as well. So Grandpa, Grandma, this is my own farewell to you two: "Goodbye, Grandpa, and goodbye, Grandma!" i know i will be missing you a lot. It's not the "Goodbye!" we grandchildren always yelled at the end of each visit when the car pulled away - it is now a real Goodbye, a Goodbye that will no longer be smiled and waved back at, a Goodbye that can't be unaccompanied with sorry tears, and an end-of-everything Goodbye...
阿公再見！阿嬤再見！
Saturday, March 26, 2011
The similarities
Didn't realize until last night the similarities between you and you, the part about not wanting to let go, and about not being able to be true to oneself...
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Sad but true
In an event like the devastating earthquake and tsunami in Japan, it is proven again that there is simply no Superman in our world.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Going against the big bully
Well, it all started with the opera singing in the office. AGAIN, for the N-th time. Sometimes it is opera singing right next to you, opera singing in the open lab area, or recorded opera singing on the computer. In general, it's opera singing...for praise. (Frankly the singing was not the only problem. i also hated the part when we were asked to look at the drawings.)
i am self-righteous, that i know for sure, and this time it's definitely personal - but i do not at all regret going against BT, especially after what he said: "Well, I've been here fifty years, so I forgive you."
i am self-righteous, that i know for sure, and this time it's definitely personal - but i do not at all regret going against BT, especially after what he said: "Well, I've been here fifty years, so I forgive you."
Monday, January 24, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
When exactly...?
Even without an Internet search, i knew this was definitely going to be one of the questions Harry Potter readers ask one another:
"At which point did you cry while reading the Harry Potter books?"
When did you? i did for the first time when Dobby died. So...six and a half? After that, it was quite obvious that there was no need to stay strong :-)
"At which point did you cry while reading the Harry Potter books?"
When did you? i did for the first time when Dobby died. So...six and a half? After that, it was quite obvious that there was no need to stay strong :-)
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Too late...
And you thought the storm had passed? Guess what, it's just the beginning. Some things are better left unsaid - you've gotta listen to Wiseman Sam.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Time for some cheerleading
You need to believe that one sentence or one paragraph a day is at least some progress...perhaps down to an article read, or even just an idea.
Of course you don't get to run before you learn how to walk.
Of course you don't get to run before you learn how to walk.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
A quick note...
It's now one day before the targeted completion of my first draft...i think my brain just shut down.
Well, the good news is, i didn't say it was non-rechargeable.
Well, the good news is, i didn't say it was non-rechargeable.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Frustration
Many of us try very hard each day to reduce, reuse, recycle, but BP actually destroys so much with just one oil spill. Damn.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Never before...
Uncomfortably restless and uneasy.
Note on 4/19 (Mon.): Still trying to figure what the cause is. Could be Mimi's upcoming dentistry.
Note on 4/19 (Mon.): Still trying to figure what the cause is. Could be Mimi's upcoming dentistry.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Phasing out
Instances of daily communications switching into personal as opposed to work account, all because of watching the GW launch video. Hmm.
Note: Hmm, something similar happened last September.
Note: Hmm, something similar happened last September.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
First week back at work
A stiff neck and random, excruciating shots of pain at the beginning of the year? How awful! (Sigh)
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
The beauty of poetry
W. left me an offline message (about the news), and concluded it with a link to Rupert Brooke's "The Hill," which was stunningly beautiful. When i was reading it earlier this afternoon, it froze the time.
i told him i never thought i would fall in love with poetry. In college, fiction was my favorite genre; i couldn't really see why people would want to read or write poems. They were riddles to me - beautiful riddles at most. In my senior year, with a strong passion, i turned to literary criticism. i stayed up at night, read, read, and...read - Foucault was the caffeine that kept me going. Now i realized it was because i was young, and possibly because of the need to hold on to something concrete.
Over these years, though, i began to appreciate poetry and its condensed elegance and subtlety. It seems that somehow, in the process of "middle-aging", my perception of the world (or the texts more precisely) has also evolved, not necessarily for better, but the difference was there. i am now attracted to the charm of stillness: a moment, a glimpse, an image, an emotion, things that were unsaid but present.
To those who bring the world poetic catharses, i salute you!
i told him i never thought i would fall in love with poetry. In college, fiction was my favorite genre; i couldn't really see why people would want to read or write poems. They were riddles to me - beautiful riddles at most. In my senior year, with a strong passion, i turned to literary criticism. i stayed up at night, read, read, and...read - Foucault was the caffeine that kept me going. Now i realized it was because i was young, and possibly because of the need to hold on to something concrete.
Over these years, though, i began to appreciate poetry and its condensed elegance and subtlety. It seems that somehow, in the process of "middle-aging", my perception of the world (or the texts more precisely) has also evolved, not necessarily for better, but the difference was there. i am now attracted to the charm of stillness: a moment, a glimpse, an image, an emotion, things that were unsaid but present.
To those who bring the world poetic catharses, i salute you!
Friday, September 4, 2009
Crossing over
i never thought this was gonna happen.
Long, long ago, when S switched to Firefox and advised that i do the same thing, i kind of laughed at the idea. But at some point of my life, i, a faithful (a euphemism for "stubborn") IE user, seemed to have gradually "crossed over" to Firefox, Safari, Google Chrome, or...should i say, to...non-IE.
Yes, gradually. (My resistance it was, the italic pause.) Obviously, i wasn't resisting something better; i was simply afraid of change. A static mind, and mental laziness, that's what it was.
No questions, no challenges - no transcendence. Lesson learned.
Long, long ago, when S switched to Firefox and advised that i do the same thing, i kind of laughed at the idea. But at some point of my life, i, a faithful (a euphemism for "stubborn") IE user, seemed to have gradually "crossed over" to Firefox, Safari, Google Chrome, or...should i say, to...non-IE.
Yes, gradually. (My resistance it was, the italic pause.) Obviously, i wasn't resisting something better; i was simply afraid of change. A static mind, and mental laziness, that's what it was.
No questions, no challenges - no transcendence. Lesson learned.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Be daring
Life is, in most cases, truly not as complicated as we thought it would be. It's just that the clues are not always obvious.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Some quick notes on burning calories
Turned out that the Stairmaster, exactly like the name says it would be, is the master. No, even beyond that, it is the KING!
Imagine this: When you go at Level 40 for half an hour (which is easy), you lose about 230 calories. Nothing else beats this, not the Treadmill, not the Elliptical, not the bicycle.
* (Added the next day) Newsflash: i didn't enter my weight, so the 230 was for people who weigh about 150 pounds! But anyway, the Stairmaster is still No.1.
Imagine this: When you go at Level 40 for half an hour (which is easy), you lose about 230 calories. Nothing else beats this, not the Treadmill, not the Elliptical, not the bicycle.
* (Added the next day) Newsflash: i didn't enter my weight, so the 230 was for people who weigh about 150 pounds! But anyway, the Stairmaster is still No.1.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
The soothing greyness
To fall asleep and to wake up to the sound of pouring rain - that is a perfect cycle. i am just so in love with this untainted beautiful greyness. It is...
My city.
My rain.
My kind of gloomy weather.
My city.
My rain.
My kind of gloomy weather.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Facing the "unassigned"
i've only recently come to a sad realization....
You see, the way i was raised may have hugely impeded my approaching of unassigned tasks. i am good following dates, but what i really need to do is set dates. Of course, this probably has a lot to do with my personality - meaning i should not try to blame it on others :-p
The truth is, in terms of THE unassigned task, it's easy as cake to answer a question, or to solve a problem. Now, finding a problem that is worthwhile, and raising a meaningful question...that is indeed priceless. (NO, you did not just steal that tagline from MasterCard!)
You see, the way i was raised may have hugely impeded my approaching of unassigned tasks. i am good following dates, but what i really need to do is set dates. Of course, this probably has a lot to do with my personality - meaning i should not try to blame it on others :-p
The truth is, in terms of THE unassigned task, it's easy as cake to answer a question, or to solve a problem. Now, finding a problem that is worthwhile, and raising a meaningful question...that is indeed priceless. (NO, you did not just steal that tagline from MasterCard!)
Monday, April 13, 2009
Are you aware of...?
Awareness is the key; i am really beginning to believe so. It's all about knowing, or not knowing.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
A Thursday afternoon
Either i was extremely weak today, or soft songs just don't get you far on treadmills.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Something funny...and something else by the way
Yes, i should be working hard on eliminating items on my to-do list (which is already two months old!), but this funny thing came up again, and i really couldn't help wanting to talk about it. Before going into details, i need to provide some background information. i (we) have been following five different shows these days, and they are:
So...earlier this afternoon, i was watching last night's "The Closer" on tnt.com, and i noticed this thing again on its Full Episodes page. At the upper right-hand corner, there is a button that says "Boss coming? DRAMATIC PAUSE". When you click on it, you'll be brought to an Excel spreadsheet so that when someone walks by, you'd look seriously buried in work. What's even funnier is...the humor doesn't just end here, if you read the spreadsheet, you see columns like "% chance your boss saw you goofing off", "% chance you'll be fired", "% chance your boss even cares", and notes such as "Data complied by a guy well on his way to being fired himself", etc. You'll have to see for yourself!
This reminded me of the humor of a shareware program i played in college, a game that is quite similar to 1a2b in Taiwan. One night, i was on the computer playing the game, and i heard footsteps approaching the door. It could only be my dad checking up on me (to see if i was really working on something serious i guess), so, by instinct, i hit the ESC button, and the scariest thing happened! A monkey showed up on the screen, jumping here and there, and then the dialogue bubble behind the monkey said "You're gonna get caught!" Gosh...now looking back, i could laugh and think of it as "humor", but back then it almost gave me a heartattack!! lol
By the way, my personal rating goes like this:
- Mondays, "The Closer" on TNT
Mondays, "Heroes" on NBC (both of us) (okay, we are officially "fading away")- Wednesdays, "Lost" on ABC (both of us)
- Thursdays, "Ugly Betty" on ABC
- Thursdays, "Grey's Anatomy" on ABC
So...earlier this afternoon, i was watching last night's "The Closer" on tnt.com, and i noticed this thing again on its Full Episodes page. At the upper right-hand corner, there is a button that says "Boss coming? DRAMATIC PAUSE". When you click on it, you'll be brought to an Excel spreadsheet so that when someone walks by, you'd look seriously buried in work. What's even funnier is...the humor doesn't just end here, if you read the spreadsheet, you see columns like "% chance your boss saw you goofing off", "% chance you'll be fired", "% chance your boss even cares", and notes such as "Data complied by a guy well on his way to being fired himself", etc. You'll have to see for yourself!
This reminded me of the humor of a shareware program i played in college, a game that is quite similar to 1a2b in Taiwan. One night, i was on the computer playing the game, and i heard footsteps approaching the door. It could only be my dad checking up on me (to see if i was really working on something serious i guess), so, by instinct, i hit the ESC button, and the scariest thing happened! A monkey showed up on the screen, jumping here and there, and then the dialogue bubble behind the monkey said "You're gonna get caught!" Gosh...now looking back, i could laugh and think of it as "humor", but back then it almost gave me a heartattack!! lol
By the way, my personal rating goes like this:
- Mondays, "The Closer" on TNT
- Thursdays, "Ugly Betty" on ABC
- Wednesdays, "Lost" on ABC (both of us)
- Thursdays, "Grey's Anatomy" on ABC
Mondays, "Heroes" on NBC (both of us)
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
List for the break
Christmas Eve. Not surprisingly, we are staying in the city as always :-) Will have dinner at home, and move on to Disk 2, Season 2 of Heroes.
It's not the time to make a wish yet (although for people it probably is), i am still going to put up my to-do list for the break, since having it here seemed to work pretty well back in June :-)
1.Continue the literature review section for our collaborative paper; (Began after New Year's Day!)
2. Finish 1; (a lot of work!)
3.Begin the analysis for my pilot study; (Began 1/18/09)
4. Write 3 up;
5. Begin my own lit review;
6. Go over the stats chapters not covered last semester;
7.Push S! (Finished 1/19/09)
It's not the time to make a wish yet (although for people it probably is), i am still going to put up my to-do list for the break, since having it here seemed to work pretty well back in June :-)
1.
2. Finish 1; (a lot of work!)
3.
4. Write 3 up;
5. Begin my own lit review;
6. Go over the stats chapters not covered last semester;
7.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
To T.C.
Although we no longer hear from you and don't really care, just learned from a mutual friend that you are getting married soon. We also saw the wedding photos.
It's funny to be reminded how things have changed - between you and him, between you...and us. i never had a sister; i guess you were as close as one could possibly be. But most sisters do not drift apart. After all, we were just friends.
He looked very happy in the photos. Obviously he adores you :-) i wonder though, after all these years, if you have managed to tone down the stubbornness, and learned to not take relationships for granted. A clean slate is a precious thing; some people have to fight hard for one.
i know you would not see this. But still, congratulations! We are happy for you.
...for those years.
It's funny to be reminded how things have changed - between you and him, between you...and us. i never had a sister; i guess you were as close as one could possibly be. But most sisters do not drift apart. After all, we were just friends.
He looked very happy in the photos. Obviously he adores you :-) i wonder though, after all these years, if you have managed to tone down the stubbornness, and learned to not take relationships for granted. A clean slate is a precious thing; some people have to fight hard for one.
i know you would not see this. But still, congratulations! We are happy for you.
...for those years.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Almost ready
Just finished the practice midterm. i got 30 out of 34, which is 88.23%. Grrr...
The interesting thing is...i took it very seriously, treated it exactly as if it were THE exam. i set the alarm, followed the format, and even panicked when there was still one particular question that i wasn't sure how to approach, when the two-hour time limit was finally coming up.
Okay...i got one more day. i think i am almost ready.
The interesting thing is...i took it very seriously, treated it exactly as if it were THE exam. i set the alarm, followed the format, and even panicked when there was still one particular question that i wasn't sure how to approach, when the two-hour time limit was finally coming up.
Okay...i got one more day. i think i am almost ready.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
So orderly, yet so empty
Yes, it's that time of year again, time for you to pack, leave, and stay extremely busy for a week somewhere 45 minutes up north in T-Town.
When you are away, things drastically slow down. It's like all of a sudden i have on my hands all the time, all this space, all the silence, and despite the fact that i hardly ever turn on the TV, all the channels to myself. The rooms are neat; no loose items on the floor here and there, the chairs pulled back under the dining table, the couch cushions well in place, the kitchen and bathroom lights immediately off, the power cords tucked away. Things are in order, in a way they normally don't get to be.
When you are away, orderly is this small apartment, yet empty.
When you are away, things drastically slow down. It's like all of a sudden i have on my hands all the time, all this space, all the silence, and despite the fact that i hardly ever turn on the TV, all the channels to myself. The rooms are neat; no loose items on the floor here and there, the chairs pulled back under the dining table, the couch cushions well in place, the kitchen and bathroom lights immediately off, the power cords tucked away. Things are in order, in a way they normally don't get to be.
When you are away, orderly is this small apartment, yet empty.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
The luxury
Over the past few weeks, the desk beside the bedroom window stayed a messy on-site storage for statements, receipts, notes, letters, articles...stuff i was more than unwilling to "process". Finally, one morning last week, with about two hours of shredding and filing, i got it all tidied up - tidied up to the degree that, on the 42" x 22" polished wooden desk top, there is nothing but an 11 inch laptop.
It was an eyesore; it is now a pride.
Turned out that the number 5 somehow "damaged" me, after all. The stats class couldn't have been the only reason, although it is also true that i am never a library person. What i need is exactly a moment like this: cool air through the window, a hot cup of coffee (seldom though), a list of items that i keep crossing out, the actual progress along the chapters and exercises. i need to be fulfilled, i am trying to be self-motivated. Maybe this luxury can help, the luxury of having an open, clean study space all to myself at the beginning of my 5th.
It was an eyesore; it is now a pride.
Turned out that the number 5 somehow "damaged" me, after all. The stats class couldn't have been the only reason, although it is also true that i am never a library person. What i need is exactly a moment like this: cool air through the window, a hot cup of coffee (seldom though), a list of items that i keep crossing out, the actual progress along the chapters and exercises. i need to be fulfilled, i am trying to be self-motivated. Maybe this luxury can help, the luxury of having an open, clean study space all to myself at the beginning of my 5th.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Transcending
Eastward on the 33rd Street i walked, savoring a half glimpse of the Empire State Building — to catch the second half of my Year-two, mid-summer commute. In about twenty minutes, the train would take me across the Hudson River to the other side, where this cooler, early Autumn air has been making my eight-block walk more relaxing and inviting than ever. Occasionally, on the sidewalk, the breezes would rustle through the tree leaves, and slowly brush me by. When it comes, you would want to keep walking, and walking.
It was this lulling softness in the air, perhaps among some other things, that had brought back to me the dream of reading. By reading i did not mean newspapers, magazines or tough articles, certainly not subway ads. Last night i had pulled out Sherwood Anderson's The Egg and Other Stories from the top of the shelf, slid it into my tote, so that earlier this morning on the downtown express train it would rescue me from the usual dullness accompanying my hour-long commutes. It did, his lightly plotted prose. Hardly any action there was, but the voices of the narrator leading me, with the same softness, into the same trance of that quiet, heavily tree-lined residential neighborhood.
i would not want this to end.
It was this lulling softness in the air, perhaps among some other things, that had brought back to me the dream of reading. By reading i did not mean newspapers, magazines or tough articles, certainly not subway ads. Last night i had pulled out Sherwood Anderson's The Egg and Other Stories from the top of the shelf, slid it into my tote, so that earlier this morning on the downtown express train it would rescue me from the usual dullness accompanying my hour-long commutes. It did, his lightly plotted prose. Hardly any action there was, but the voices of the narrator leading me, with the same softness, into the same trance of that quiet, heavily tree-lined residential neighborhood.
i would not want this to end.
Friday, August 1, 2008
The condemnation
When i wake up tomorrow, i might find myself weighed down, very likely all the way at the bottom, by the regret for having a whole year (or a whole month, even just a whole week) and still...not making the August 1st deadline. But...who else am i trying to fool but myself?
The bitter truth is, whether this happens as a direct result of my procrastination or not, i am not a responsible adult. i am this ROV on an open sea, programmed to but somehow failed to self-propel. i am simply not capable. [Right...a loser statement it is.]
Perhaps the best penalty of all...is not being able to make it. The best lesson even, it almost seems.
Let bygones be bygones, i have to learn to. S is right, "it is not the end of the world", though it has to be the beginning of a new chapter.
The bitter truth is, whether this happens as a direct result of my procrastination or not, i am not a responsible adult. i am this ROV on an open sea, programmed to but somehow failed to self-propel. i am simply not capable. [Right...a loser statement it is.]
Perhaps the best penalty of all...is not being able to make it. The best lesson even, it almost seems.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Let bygones be bygones, i have to learn to. S is right, "it is not the end of the world", though it has to be the beginning of a new chapter.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
An observer's note
To say that he smashed the heart against the wall, and that, all over the floor, in quiet melancholy the shattered pieces waited...is just too subtle.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Follow-up of my end-of-June resolution
Once again (and not surprisingly), these days i am having a hard time falling asleep, be it 11:30 p.m., 12:30 p.m., or even an alarming two o'clock in the morning.
When friends complain of the same problem, i always tell them to "free up" their mind at least an hour before bed time. The strategy could possibly work for me too, but this time i think i know exactly why. It's the sense of procrastinating or worse, time-wasting guilt, over a couple of things i should've completed a month ago. Yes, ONE MONTH ago!!
Which is why i must say it out loud here. First things first: Tonight, i am going to:
Farewell to this curse of insanity!
When friends complain of the same problem, i always tell them to "free up" their mind at least an hour before bed time. The strategy could possibly work for me too, but this time i think i know exactly why. It's the sense of procrastinating or worse, time-wasting guilt, over a couple of things i should've completed a month ago. Yes, ONE MONTH ago!!
Which is why i must say it out loud here. First things first: Tonight, i am going to:
continue and finish my pilot proposal (which i wanted to send out by the end of May);(completed: 10:25 pm)get the TECO funding application done (which should've been submitted back in April);(completed: 7/3, 9:00 pm) - - -> There was still procrastination, but...better than nothing :-)and to resume my work on J's site (which is still far from completion, since it requires so much tweaking). (template and site layout completed: 7/13, 5:30 pm)
Farewell to this curse of insanity!
Friday, June 27, 2008
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
A Wednesday afternoon
After lunch with S, i brought some data back and am working from home. It's the first day after the four-day-in-a-row, above-the-100s heat wave finally decided to take off (and return to whichever evil planet it was from).
At this minute, there is no air-conditioning and yet no sweating, just the box fan going at the lowest speed beside me. In my glass mug sits one-third of Starbucks Frappuccino mixed with two-thirds of milk. It is still icy, yes, but i can wait. Over the speaker, Mariah Carey is repeatedly singing Against All Odds. It touches me as always. The usual uptown noises are not here on our street, and the girls are sound asleep on the living room rug. i guess...if it weren't for that heat wave, sometimes i simply forget how pleasant THIS MOMENT could be.
At this minute, there is no air-conditioning and yet no sweating, just the box fan going at the lowest speed beside me. In my glass mug sits one-third of Starbucks Frappuccino mixed with two-thirds of milk. It is still icy, yes, but i can wait. Over the speaker, Mariah Carey is repeatedly singing Against All Odds. It touches me as always. The usual uptown noises are not here on our street, and the girls are sound asleep on the living room rug. i guess...if it weren't for that heat wave, sometimes i simply forget how pleasant THIS MOMENT could be.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
The break-up
i broke it up; it's hard to believe, but i just did.
Sometimes you wonder why things happen and why break-ups take place. Well, here comes the moment of truth: People had enough...or thought they did. In the latter case, what they do is try to make up. So...human beings break up, make up, break up, make up...until they are tired of it?
If it is hard in a virtual world, it's gotta be even more difficult in reality.
Sometimes you wonder why things happen and why break-ups take place. Well, here comes the moment of truth: People had enough...or thought they did. In the latter case, what they do is try to make up. So...human beings break up, make up, break up, make up...until they are tired of it?
If it is hard in a virtual world, it's gotta be even more difficult in reality.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
A reason to fall
They say people are emotionally at their weakest when they get ill. To quite some extent, i'd second that.
Two weeks ago, i was so sick that i actually believed i was going to die. There was this one afternoon that i had slept too much to fall back into slumber, and i saw this news of a dog hit by a car, paralyzed, possibly losing his life. All of a sudden, my tears gushed down fast and hard, all of which soon turned into bawling.
i realized, right at that moment, that i was crying for myself. i guess after all, all they needed was a reason to fall.
Two weeks ago, i was so sick that i actually believed i was going to die. There was this one afternoon that i had slept too much to fall back into slumber, and i saw this news of a dog hit by a car, paralyzed, possibly losing his life. All of a sudden, my tears gushed down fast and hard, all of which soon turned into bawling.
i realized, right at that moment, that i was crying for myself. i guess after all, all they needed was a reason to fall.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Much less fun...
i am definitely with you. It's going to be much less fun :-( However, the Sagittarius in me is also working: it could just be much less fun for...not even two years?
Thursday, December 13, 2007
i like you
Perhaps some day you will realize that...in the weirdest sense, i like you, not as some quiet drop of morning dew on a maple leaf that, before the first ray of sunlight settles in, ceases to be.
...but...as a true friend. More or less.
...but...as a true friend. More or less.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Monday, August 13, 2007
My summer 2007 commute
Thoughts on the home-bound express train:
"Every station passed...
is a few blocks closer."
"Every station passed...
is a few blocks closer."
Sunday, August 12, 2007
i thought...
...i had so much to tell (with three drafts piled up along my assembly line), but it turned out that i did not say anything.
Must be the heat :-)
Must be the heat :-)
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Realization of absurdity
First time we talked about Samuel Beckett in college, i found the word "absurdity" itself quite an absurd instance. If the word can actually logically define itself, i guess my point was that "absurdity" is an occurrence that happens by comparison.
But today on the subway home, when i sensed how rapidly we were traveling in that long, dark tunnel, that absurdity suddenly seized me. Inside the train, small groups of people here and there were loudly chatting, at the same time firmly holding on to where they were. It was only a short moment, but that absurdity was for real.
But today on the subway home, when i sensed how rapidly we were traveling in that long, dark tunnel, that absurdity suddenly seized me. Inside the train, small groups of people here and there were loudly chatting, at the same time firmly holding on to where they were. It was only a short moment, but that absurdity was for real.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Action movies
About 6 p.m. yesterday evening, the night before 4th of July, we decided at the very last minute to finally take advantage of Sam's complimentary AMC tickets (which were part of some nice Christmas gifts from work a while back).
We meant to go for "1408", and we did. i've always enjoyed nice thrills for some breath-holding moments and totally unexpected, chilling scares. There is definitely a reason why thrillers sell. And yet, to me, another genre has a tighter grasp, and is simply...above and beyond. When we were done with "1408", i did not want to leave, because, right next to it, "Live Free Or Die Hard" was playing in another twenty minutes.
i know i do not blog about movies unless there is some point i want to get to. Movies, as always, are a quiet existence in my journal, along with dated ticket stubs and, mostly, my thoughts. So, right...i am still not blogging about "Live Free Or Die Hard" here, even though i truly think Bruce Willis is such an amazingly classy action hero. He is just...THE guy.
In college, i went to movies a lot, mostly alone, and action movies were my priority for sure. As people always say, if you want to see action, you gotta see it on the big screen. An action movie - or the element of "adventure" in it - is a continuation of our childhood fantasies, in which most people get to, for a short couple of hours, escape the banality of life. The hero is brave, makes quick, right decisions, and never dies. He is always the last man standing - a real-life superman...on the screen.
i LOVE adventure, but in reality, i probably wouldn't be able to handle it too well (look what my adrenaline can do!), and to be honest, i am fine with my normal life :-) As i'm getting older these years, i am also drawn to comedy, but deep inside, i know that good action movies will aaalllways be my favorite. Perhaps i am just like the kid in "Last Action Hero" (a metafictive action movie, or...a meta-action?): the dream is there for ever.
We meant to go for "1408", and we did. i've always enjoyed nice thrills for some breath-holding moments and totally unexpected, chilling scares. There is definitely a reason why thrillers sell. And yet, to me, another genre has a tighter grasp, and is simply...above and beyond. When we were done with "1408", i did not want to leave, because, right next to it, "Live Free Or Die Hard" was playing in another twenty minutes.
i know i do not blog about movies unless there is some point i want to get to. Movies, as always, are a quiet existence in my journal, along with dated ticket stubs and, mostly, my thoughts. So, right...i am still not blogging about "Live Free Or Die Hard" here, even though i truly think Bruce Willis is such an amazingly classy action hero. He is just...THE guy.
In college, i went to movies a lot, mostly alone, and action movies were my priority for sure. As people always say, if you want to see action, you gotta see it on the big screen. An action movie - or the element of "adventure" in it - is a continuation of our childhood fantasies, in which most people get to, for a short couple of hours, escape the banality of life. The hero is brave, makes quick, right decisions, and never dies. He is always the last man standing - a real-life superman...on the screen.
i LOVE adventure, but in reality, i probably wouldn't be able to handle it too well (look what my adrenaline can do!), and to be honest, i am fine with my normal life :-) As i'm getting older these years, i am also drawn to comedy, but deep inside, i know that good action movies will aaalllways be my favorite. Perhaps i am just like the kid in "Last Action Hero" (a metafictive action movie, or...a meta-action?): the dream is there for ever.
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
June 2007...such a long way
Took me years to finally be unblinded from this frustrating revelation: i am fighting a battle that is never won. Never did, and never will.
It used to be fine being the submissive. Sometimes, the simplicity of life, of not asking, of not sensing, proves to be a true blessing. For years, i had hardly questioned my role in this domestic reality, until that phone conversation with J a while back. "You should always push," she said, "don't be the good one." It made sense, i thought. So i fought. And i've been losing.
i wonder if it's all going to come down to the fact that, although some people have no trouble at all, this golden rule just would not work for me. Wait a second, if it doesn't work for me, then it is not a golden rule!
Turns out that June 2007 is such a revealing combination of month and year.
It used to be fine being the submissive. Sometimes, the simplicity of life, of not asking, of not sensing, proves to be a true blessing. For years, i had hardly questioned my role in this domestic reality, until that phone conversation with J a while back. "You should always push," she said, "don't be the good one." It made sense, i thought. So i fought. And i've been losing.
i wonder if it's all going to come down to the fact that, although some people have no trouble at all, this golden rule just would not work for me. Wait a second, if it doesn't work for me, then it is not a golden rule!
Turns out that June 2007 is such a revealing combination of month and year.
Monday, March 19, 2007
One machine load of free laundry...
...and a long queue and a grumpy evening?
Some time last Friday when the spring break finally came and it smelled wet outside the window, our floor CA sent an email specifying out-of-order machines in the laundry room.
According to the facility office, these machines had trouble dealing with rugs. Towards the end of the email, in a corner that most people might've neglected due to a habit of skipping information, our CA added that, "Also know that machine 25 is now working without needing to put money on it. This is only temporary until the system is completely fixed."
Wasn't it inviting? i actually wondered if she meant to ask the residents to go down for one machine load of free laundry, and was just curious how people would react to that email.
With the question in mind, i immediately pulled up the LaundryView Monitoring System in my browser. In about ten minutes, Machine #25...and watch this! ONLY Machine #25...lighted up and started vibrating on my computer screen. Right! Someone read through the email for sure!
Later through that night, Machine #25 kept its busy status, while the seven other washing machines remained unoccupied. i was like, "c'mon guys, it's just one dollar!" until Sam pulled me away from in front of the computer screen. i thought they were obsessed with that one dollar, but obviously...i was also obsessed watching people obsessed with that one dollar....
Some time last Friday when the spring break finally came and it smelled wet outside the window, our floor CA sent an email specifying out-of-order machines in the laundry room.
According to the facility office, these machines had trouble dealing with rugs. Towards the end of the email, in a corner that most people might've neglected due to a habit of skipping information, our CA added that, "Also know that machine 25 is now working without needing to put money on it. This is only temporary until the system is completely fixed."
Wasn't it inviting? i actually wondered if she meant to ask the residents to go down for one machine load of free laundry, and was just curious how people would react to that email.
With the question in mind, i immediately pulled up the LaundryView Monitoring System in my browser. In about ten minutes, Machine #25...and watch this! ONLY Machine #25...lighted up and started vibrating on my computer screen. Right! Someone read through the email for sure!
Later through that night, Machine #25 kept its busy status, while the seven other washing machines remained unoccupied. i was like, "c'mon guys, it's just one dollar!" until Sam pulled me away from in front of the computer screen. i thought they were obsessed with that one dollar, but obviously...i was also obsessed watching people obsessed with that one dollar....
Tuesday, January 2, 2007
Superhuman
During this holiday season, Sam and i watched the first season of the "Heroes" on NBC.com. Although the characters are super-human, the theme is "survive or perish", beyond the usual "good vs. evil" scope.
Instead of a fantasy, the storyline had it set up so it is a scientifical and genetical possibility that humans evolve into super-humans. If, according to Darwin, we were apes in the first place, then human evolution (again) might not be entirely a crazy idea.
While we were watching the 9th episode, i asked Sam which super-power he would choose if he was given the opportunity; he picked Hiro's ability of bending time and space. Later that night, we happened to come across a two-hour Sci-fi original investigation into the Bermuda Triangle...and i began to wonder (with my limited human cognition and intelligence) how our earthly rules could keep working if humans evolve into time-stopping and space-bending beings. It is literally like...numerous Bermuda Triangles on this planet, and these black holes overlap with one another - how does our linear world physically interact with this...anomaly? But on the other hand, i am obviously asking this question as a normal human being.... After all, 1,000 years ago, people could never have imagined what we have today, could they?
Instead of a fantasy, the storyline had it set up so it is a scientifical and genetical possibility that humans evolve into super-humans. If, according to Darwin, we were apes in the first place, then human evolution (again) might not be entirely a crazy idea.
While we were watching the 9th episode, i asked Sam which super-power he would choose if he was given the opportunity; he picked Hiro's ability of bending time and space. Later that night, we happened to come across a two-hour Sci-fi original investigation into the Bermuda Triangle...and i began to wonder (with my limited human cognition and intelligence) how our earthly rules could keep working if humans evolve into time-stopping and space-bending beings. It is literally like...numerous Bermuda Triangles on this planet, and these black holes overlap with one another - how does our linear world physically interact with this...anomaly? But on the other hand, i am obviously asking this question as a normal human being.... After all, 1,000 years ago, people could never have imagined what we have today, could they?
Tuesday, November 7, 2006
A political poem
i see blooming greenish land and trees,
right by the lovely blue sea,
up above shines the orange sun --
that is where i came from.
right by the lovely blue sea,
up above shines the orange sun --
that is where i came from.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Letting go...
i've always thought that letting go was one of the hardest things in my world.
But you see...today, when they were walking down the street, away from my sight, i realized...letting go, after all, might be an easier job than trying to hang on to something that is meant to go away.
...Perhaps...it has something to do with the fact that i am already in my thirties?
But you see...today, when they were walking down the street, away from my sight, i realized...letting go, after all, might be an easier job than trying to hang on to something that is meant to go away.
...Perhaps...it has something to do with the fact that i am already in my thirties?
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Weakest link
Once in a while, it would come to a point where i need to take a long moment from work and go use the restroom. Very often, the restroom is empty, and there is no one but me.
Occasionally, someone will come in and join the silence. i will hear sounds that resemble the door, some seat paper, and..., the flush, and then the soap being pressed, followed by some washing.
Sometimes, among that occasionally, sounds of the soap and the washing will not be there. My curiosity will rise, and i will be wanting to see who it is to omit those sounds. But i always sit there and wonder, "These people are educated; why did they forget to wash their hands?"
Until today...i realized, human beings are probably the only creatures over the planet that wash the hands. There is always the fear of bacteria, germs, virus, whatsoever, and there are commercials selling products claiming that, once you spray them on your kitchen countertop, they kill all the bad things.
And yet, with these precautions, humans are still constantly knocked down by a cold, flu, diarrhea, and some infection. We are by all means the weakest link, at the same moment as we are convinced our civilization has made us the smartest.
Occasionally, someone will come in and join the silence. i will hear sounds that resemble the door, some seat paper, and..., the flush, and then the soap being pressed, followed by some washing.
Sometimes, among that occasionally, sounds of the soap and the washing will not be there. My curiosity will rise, and i will be wanting to see who it is to omit those sounds. But i always sit there and wonder, "These people are educated; why did they forget to wash their hands?"
Until today...i realized, human beings are probably the only creatures over the planet that wash the hands. There is always the fear of bacteria, germs, virus, whatsoever, and there are commercials selling products claiming that, once you spray them on your kitchen countertop, they kill all the bad things.
And yet, with these precautions, humans are still constantly knocked down by a cold, flu, diarrhea, and some infection. We are by all means the weakest link, at the same moment as we are convinced our civilization has made us the smartest.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Crossing the line
Last Saturday on TNT, we watched two movies in a row, two movies that we saw a long time ago: Signs, and Mothman Prophecies.
What is the odds showing films like these, one right after another? In The Signs, Mel Gibson was afraid of crossing that "fine thread of sanity", of mentally stepping away from the human comfort zone, the normal territory -- afraid of wandering off to that "other" side.
Human beings, as distinctly intelligent and free-willed as they claimed themselves to be, are trained and encouraged to stay on "this" side of the line, the line of "seeing is believing", which unfortunately is also the line of human limits. Even when we/they actually see (e.g., what happens in Mothman Prophecies), we/they still do not believe. Instead, as if it was some impulse, we/they immediately try to make sense out of it -- our sense, or, human sense -- within some sensible and comprehensible boundary. Still, it's that fear of crossing over and losing our sanity.
What is the odds showing films like these, one right after another? In The Signs, Mel Gibson was afraid of crossing that "fine thread of sanity", of mentally stepping away from the human comfort zone, the normal territory -- afraid of wandering off to that "other" side.
Human beings, as distinctly intelligent and free-willed as they claimed themselves to be, are trained and encouraged to stay on "this" side of the line, the line of "seeing is believing", which unfortunately is also the line of human limits. Even when we/they actually see (e.g., what happens in Mothman Prophecies), we/they still do not believe. Instead, as if it was some impulse, we/they immediately try to make sense out of it -- our sense, or, human sense -- within some sensible and comprehensible boundary. Still, it's that fear of crossing over and losing our sanity.
Monday, June 12, 2006
Collecting the memories?
When i was downstairs "obeying the alternate side parking rules", i found myself staring at the sky and lost...in time.
Maybe she was right. Maybe each eyeful of it links to some particular memory...like a mesmerized soul when the 80s music is playing.
Maybe she was right. Maybe each eyeful of it links to some particular memory...like a mesmerized soul when the 80s music is playing.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Last three months
What happens when people are told they have three months left, not necessarily of their life, but of membership, lease, relationship, ownership, or partnership, etc?
Does the fact make us cherish what we have? i guess human beings react to it in all possible ways. For me, i am sensing some type of remote yet approaching agony.
Does the fact make us cherish what we have? i guess human beings react to it in all possible ways. For me, i am sensing some type of remote yet approaching agony.
Thursday, April 6, 2006
The Mystery of Ever-changing Airfare
"Nobody knows. It changes practically everyday."
-- Jessica (played by Gaby Hoffmann), in Sleepless in Seattle, while asked how much it costs to fly from Seattle to New York City on Valentine's Day.
Recently, for our trip to AERA, which is going to be held in San Francisco early April, i had been doing a lot of research online.
Take the airfare from New York City for example - leave alone the fact that flying from New York City means three options (LaGuardia, JFK, and Newark) and flying into San Francisco could mean two different nearby airports (SF Int'l Airport and Oakland Int'l Airport) - it IS indeed changing everyday, and the price of a roundtrip ticket could go from $253 to $876! It surely is not about waiting or getting the ticket in advance; it is pure luck.
Isn't this alone NOT going to make tacit agreement between adults an incomprehensible experience? While the fares are manipulated by the airlines in some mysterious ways, the currency, the price of gold in the global market...or even the agreement among adults to pay some arbitrarily defined monetary rewards, to begin with...are all parts of the foundation that our civilization is built upon. Or...is it ever mine?
-- Jessica (played by Gaby Hoffmann), in Sleepless in Seattle, while asked how much it costs to fly from Seattle to New York City on Valentine's Day.
Recently, for our trip to AERA, which is going to be held in San Francisco early April, i had been doing a lot of research online.
Take the airfare from New York City for example - leave alone the fact that flying from New York City means three options (LaGuardia, JFK, and Newark) and flying into San Francisco could mean two different nearby airports (SF Int'l Airport and Oakland Int'l Airport) - it IS indeed changing everyday, and the price of a roundtrip ticket could go from $253 to $876! It surely is not about waiting or getting the ticket in advance; it is pure luck.
Isn't this alone NOT going to make tacit agreement between adults an incomprehensible experience? While the fares are manipulated by the airlines in some mysterious ways, the currency, the price of gold in the global market...or even the agreement among adults to pay some arbitrarily defined monetary rewards, to begin with...are all parts of the foundation that our civilization is built upon. Or...is it ever mine?
Thursday, March 2, 2006
Blogging and my detail orientation
Two weeks ago when i was finishing up one written assignment for a class, i suddenly realized that i was proofreadiing my writeup over and over again. And i used to hate it.
Because of its public nature, i automatically began to stay VERY aware of my grammar, wording, and the way i describe something. Before i publish one entry, i always re-read, tri-read, quadra-read, and panta-read - just to make sure i do not make any simple mistakes, as if my blog actually meant more than the assignments i submitted before! (Maybe in a way it is!)
But then...it's the same ownership. i am still the writer...is it implying that it is the reader that is making all the differences?
Because of its public nature, i automatically began to stay VERY aware of my grammar, wording, and the way i describe something. Before i publish one entry, i always re-read, tri-read, quadra-read, and panta-read - just to make sure i do not make any simple mistakes, as if my blog actually meant more than the assignments i submitted before! (Maybe in a way it is!)
But then...it's the same ownership. i am still the writer...is it implying that it is the reader that is making all the differences?
Friday, February 24, 2006
Over- and under-estimation
i think i overestimated the seriousness and underestimated my concern about the nasal congestion. i should always "suffer and be strong", according to one of my favorite quotes.
Friday, February 3, 2006
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Finally...a snowing December
It didn't snow a bit last December in Manhattan. Christmas of 2004 was one without snow, one that was not decorated by the whiteness. It was so different from what we used to have in Michigan. The two of us flew away on December 31, spending the eve of the new year on one Northwest flight.
Yet this December, as if there was an attempt to make it up, a few snow storms have already made their way into New York City. One of them hit really hard. Coming from a country that is half sub-tropical, half tropical, i do not truly care about having snow during a long winter, or on a Christmas day.
It's true, though, that an image of inches of snow, covering a small cabin, the ground, and some evergreens nearby, is somehow associated with a "warm" Christmas, when all the family and friends are re-united and sharing their growth and sorrow for the past year.
When snow comes down, it doesn't make any sound and announce its visit like rain does. Yet it also provides similar sootheness. Somehow, i feel comforted, assured, with them coming down from the sky outside my apartment.
Yet this December, as if there was an attempt to make it up, a few snow storms have already made their way into New York City. One of them hit really hard. Coming from a country that is half sub-tropical, half tropical, i do not truly care about having snow during a long winter, or on a Christmas day.
It's true, though, that an image of inches of snow, covering a small cabin, the ground, and some evergreens nearby, is somehow associated with a "warm" Christmas, when all the family and friends are re-united and sharing their growth and sorrow for the past year.
When snow comes down, it doesn't make any sound and announce its visit like rain does. Yet it also provides similar sootheness. Somehow, i feel comforted, assured, with them coming down from the sky outside my apartment.
Monday, November 7, 2005
Follow-up of The Dangling Leaves
Finally, as of 11/7/05, when i look outside the bedroom window, almost all the leaves are gone from the branches.
What i always like about this is, it allows a lot more sunlight to literally splash in. The drawback is, of course, the winter is about to come soon.
Sunday, November 6, 2005
Power Save Mode
Last night i opened up a new email and started reading. When i reached the last line, i realized it was one of those casually forwarded messages from work. Had this happened during the week, i would've sensed it, simply from the tone of the email at the first few lines. But i didn't.
Perhaps my Power Save Mode was on. Recently i noticed two things in particular that recede into Power Save Mode: the printer at work and Sam's new cell phone. In either case, the backlight is completely off. The printer is even funnier, since it says "Powersave" on the tiny, dimmed screen. When i walk by, i have an urge to make a face at it and whisper "alright, i know".
Thus, here is how i interpret the incident. On the weekend, the work section of my brain very likely slows down. It takes something (a date, a command, etc) to trigger and push the "Wake Up" button.
Perhaps my Power Save Mode was on. Recently i noticed two things in particular that recede into Power Save Mode: the printer at work and Sam's new cell phone. In either case, the backlight is completely off. The printer is even funnier, since it says "Powersave" on the tiny, dimmed screen. When i walk by, i have an urge to make a face at it and whisper "alright, i know".
Thus, here is how i interpret the incident. On the weekend, the work section of my brain very likely slows down. It takes something (a date, a command, etc) to trigger and push the "Wake Up" button.
Monday, October 17, 2005
Autumn Leaves
The year before last, i, being a passive observer, started noticing when exactly in the fall, that leaves are entirely gone from tree branches, and also from my mental images of a northern hemisphere summer.
i am terrible with observation, not to mention things that are minute...well, i know leaves falling is surely not something minute! Yet...back when Sam and i were still a part of Ypsi, i hadn't paid any attention until the year before we moved. i drove to school and work, and hardly looked away from the road ahead. When friends told me about things they saw on their way somewhere - a deer, a grand house, a flock of wild birds flying by - i listened with awe.
i think i am exactly like the type of person described in a popular Japanese comic series, Touch, created by Adachi. When there is a goal, i don't stray, i don't stop much to look aside, and i tend to ignore what happens outside my life scope. Just the other day, i thought of this i, and realized that i was probably born with a gift of focusing: i focus on one thing at a time, and i focus very well.
It was something that came in the path of what i focused on that eventually brought me to the discovery of leaves falling: sunlight. One autumn afternoon, Sam and i were going out for some grocery shopping. i noticed the car was no longer in the shade of a particular tree like it used to be. It was under the sun. And then i looked up and saw that the tree was leave-less! It dawned on me it was already the time of a year for us to slow and cool down.
Last October, i was prepared to welcome bare branches here and there. During that week, when i walked back to the apartment from school, there were occasionally strong gusts of wind. Each time they swiped by my street, some leaves fell from the trees hopping, twiddling, hurdling, and dancing. i had enormous delight in that show. On the 18th, all the leaves retreated from my street, tacitly announcing the approach of yet another winter.
Through last weekend, there were a few days when it was gusty and downpoury. Very stormy. The winds actually howled even in broad daylight. But now, outside the windows, there are still quite a lot greenish leaves hanging on the upper branches. Just to have it down on my record: it's the 17th today :-)
i am terrible with observation, not to mention things that are minute...well, i know leaves falling is surely not something minute! Yet...back when Sam and i were still a part of Ypsi, i hadn't paid any attention until the year before we moved. i drove to school and work, and hardly looked away from the road ahead. When friends told me about things they saw on their way somewhere - a deer, a grand house, a flock of wild birds flying by - i listened with awe.
i think i am exactly like the type of person described in a popular Japanese comic series, Touch, created by Adachi. When there is a goal, i don't stray, i don't stop much to look aside, and i tend to ignore what happens outside my life scope. Just the other day, i thought of this i, and realized that i was probably born with a gift of focusing: i focus on one thing at a time, and i focus very well.
It was something that came in the path of what i focused on that eventually brought me to the discovery of leaves falling: sunlight. One autumn afternoon, Sam and i were going out for some grocery shopping. i noticed the car was no longer in the shade of a particular tree like it used to be. It was under the sun. And then i looked up and saw that the tree was leave-less! It dawned on me it was already the time of a year for us to slow and cool down.
Last October, i was prepared to welcome bare branches here and there. During that week, when i walked back to the apartment from school, there were occasionally strong gusts of wind. Each time they swiped by my street, some leaves fell from the trees hopping, twiddling, hurdling, and dancing. i had enormous delight in that show. On the 18th, all the leaves retreated from my street, tacitly announcing the approach of yet another winter.
Through last weekend, there were a few days when it was gusty and downpoury. Very stormy. The winds actually howled even in broad daylight. But now, outside the windows, there are still quite a lot greenish leaves hanging on the upper branches. Just to have it down on my record: it's the 17th today :-)
Friday, September 30, 2005
"Be careful what you wish for!"
Not without some detectable trace of regret, M. told me with a sigh - "Be careful what you wish for." She did not know she had to learn it the hard way.
Shouldn't this friendly warning have come from someone who is old and, at the same time, wise? i always thought it took years to accumulate experiences, so as to tell if something strongly wished for is worth it.
The problem is, how could human beings possibly foresee the future, only in which the true worth could finally be revealed? In reality, we all naturally crave someone, something, somewhere, or someday - not knowing what could really be tagging along with that desire. While we are strongly in love with an object, it is just absurd to imagine that it could turn out to be disastrous.
Creepily enough, it seems that the saying is about to manifest itself...on me. What i wished for was a leisurely life, free of certain parental obligations. At the age of 31, i am not entirely sorry for this particular wish - only because the moment of truth has not yet arrived.
Shouldn't this friendly warning have come from someone who is old and, at the same time, wise? i always thought it took years to accumulate experiences, so as to tell if something strongly wished for is worth it.
The problem is, how could human beings possibly foresee the future, only in which the true worth could finally be revealed? In reality, we all naturally crave someone, something, somewhere, or someday - not knowing what could really be tagging along with that desire. While we are strongly in love with an object, it is just absurd to imagine that it could turn out to be disastrous.
Creepily enough, it seems that the saying is about to manifest itself...on me. What i wished for was a leisurely life, free of certain parental obligations. At the age of 31, i am not entirely sorry for this particular wish - only because the moment of truth has not yet arrived.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Almost Two Weeks
This evening i made up my lazy mind to go with Sam to Dodge for some workout - after a 10-day-or-so break. We went up Amsterdam to return the dvd, and walked back down the street towards the campus.
The route actually contains a short walk uphill for two blocks, and is later comsummated by some 70 flights of stairs if we take the gate. The uphill trip hardly compares to any mountain climbing at all, but i can always use some extra air when i jog up the stairs. Usually they at best provide a good warm-up.
Yet today when i finally reached the gym entrance, i was very out of breath. My heart was pounding with the same vehement, choking beat as i would have climing up the Empire State Building...well, it's just figuratively speaking, since there is no way for you to travel up the building by taking the stairs. All of a sudden, i realized it had been quite a while since i last seriously exercised.
Isn't it true that one's physicality corresponds the way it has been fed? Shouldn't the same logic apply to one's mind? If i need to be constantly exercising to be free of muscle atrophy, don't i also need to be constantly reading for fear of postmodern ignorance?
The route actually contains a short walk uphill for two blocks, and is later comsummated by some 70 flights of stairs if we take the gate. The uphill trip hardly compares to any mountain climbing at all, but i can always use some extra air when i jog up the stairs. Usually they at best provide a good warm-up.
Yet today when i finally reached the gym entrance, i was very out of breath. My heart was pounding with the same vehement, choking beat as i would have climing up the Empire State Building...well, it's just figuratively speaking, since there is no way for you to travel up the building by taking the stairs. All of a sudden, i realized it had been quite a while since i last seriously exercised.
Isn't it true that one's physicality corresponds the way it has been fed? Shouldn't the same logic apply to one's mind? If i need to be constantly exercising to be free of muscle atrophy, don't i also need to be constantly reading for fear of postmodern ignorance?
Saturday, September 10, 2005
"Remember Me"
Till very recently, i am finally beginning to feel comfortable with the "Remember Me" checkboxs. Mostly, they show up either below or right next to all sorts of online accounts, as if they were part of the entity that naturally has to tag along, or were actually the must-have accesories of the 21st century's Internet logins.
Why was i even asked to check that box, and why would i want to be remembered - so that my information could be stored and later retrieved by a total stranger, or even some corporation that i could by no means stand up against ? i was always able to identify the cynicism in Sam, and never believed i was in any way associated with it. Oh well...perhaps i was only being cautious.
But then the question has come down to: Why is there the checkbox? It is obviously that, with it checked, account names and/or passwords do not have to be entered again and again. However, it's gotta be something beyond mere convenience.
Why was i even asked to check that box, and why would i want to be remembered - so that my information could be stored and later retrieved by a total stranger, or even some corporation that i could by no means stand up against ? i was always able to identify the cynicism in Sam, and never believed i was in any way associated with it. Oh well...perhaps i was only being cautious.
But then the question has come down to: Why is there the checkbox? It is obviously that, with it checked, account names and/or passwords do not have to be entered again and again. However, it's gotta be something beyond mere convenience.
My guess is, the purpose of the checkbox is to reduce as many keystrokes as possible, thus preventing the latter to be recorded and misused. This shall work well except that, after cleaning out the cache and temp files, an user has to run the whole process once again...at the risk of being logged.
So i suppose there is no romanticism in the act, even though for a fact these checkboxes could have been named simply as cold as "Save My Login Name", "Remember My ID", while i am more likey to be able to feel relaxed with "Remember Me" - or even "Forget Me Not"?
Sunday, August 28, 2005
The Victim
You thought you suffered, and were a victim in this whole thing. In the absolute spin of your own universe, your sacrifice was the ultimate truth.
But you didn't realize where you stood (back then) in reality. You were, as a matter of fact, already standing on the edge of the cliff. On the contrary to your belief, there was no intention at all, no one ever had, of pushing you off that cliff.
No, you were not a victim. In order to be one, there had to be an arch enemy. The presence of a victim requires that of monsters which impose the undesired cruelty. Where were they when you fell?
She did not step in; he did not choose you.
But you didn't realize where you stood (back then) in reality. You were, as a matter of fact, already standing on the edge of the cliff. On the contrary to your belief, there was no intention at all, no one ever had, of pushing you off that cliff.
No, you were not a victim. In order to be one, there had to be an arch enemy. The presence of a victim requires that of monsters which impose the undesired cruelty. Where were they when you fell?
She did not step in; he did not choose you.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
My Idol (2)
This is no gesture of arrogance; however, up until this moment, i just didn't think i had an idol, or anything similar in nature.
But on the other hand, i also realized there should be someone out there that i admire (possibly not very consciously though) - after all, there is always someone for everyone.
Without too much difficulty, i thought of Rushdie and his incredible capability of telling the impossible tales, even just describing a sunset in the distance. Indeed, he could serve as my literary idol.
i've wanted to tell stories. But the cruel fact is, among the genres of fiction, drama, and poetry, i could only achieve prose. i thought, alright, if that's the best i can do, then let it be so. That is why i've been, diligently, "farming" my MSN space over the past few months. In a few days school is about to begin again, and i'd really like to carry on.
The difference is, i've been writing in Mandarin (Traditional Chinese). i've always thought telling stories in Mandarin actually represented elegant artwork; it seems to me that the language itself flows in an extremely solid way, character by character. You can of course argue that, when characters are printed onto sheets of paper, that is exactly how they look like. Yet, that is not what i mean.
But on the other hand, i also realized there should be someone out there that i admire (possibly not very consciously though) - after all, there is always someone for everyone.
Without too much difficulty, i thought of Rushdie and his incredible capability of telling the impossible tales, even just describing a sunset in the distance. Indeed, he could serve as my literary idol.
i've wanted to tell stories. But the cruel fact is, among the genres of fiction, drama, and poetry, i could only achieve prose. i thought, alright, if that's the best i can do, then let it be so. That is why i've been, diligently, "farming" my MSN space over the past few months. In a few days school is about to begin again, and i'd really like to carry on.
The difference is, i've been writing in Mandarin (Traditional Chinese). i've always thought telling stories in Mandarin actually represented elegant artwork; it seems to me that the language itself flows in an extremely solid way, character by character. You can of course argue that, when characters are printed onto sheets of paper, that is exactly how they look like. Yet, that is not what i mean.
Friday, August 19, 2005
My Idol (1)
A few weeks ago around the street corner, Sam saw a couple "Four Brothers" posters and pointed to me: "There! There is your idol!" And i thought, well, Mark Wahlberg is definitely (one of) the sexiest human being(s) on earth, but...is he my idol?
True i visited his official website, purchased "The Fear", and will probably get a copy of "The Italian Job" too. Shall these make him my idol? Isn't my idol supposed to be someone whose way of doing things, whose ideology, whose beliefs have the power to transform me?
So i thought back. About fourth grade, i read a story of the "ultimate" nurse, Florence Nightingale, admired her, and wanted to be like her when i grew up. However, mom did not think being a nurse - which means working late-night shifts, taking care of the sick, sometimes watching people die - would be a nice, decent career for me. At that time of my not-yet-too-clear decision, she simply said, "i don't think you are built to care for others." It was almost like saying "you don't have it in you" to me. Much later in life, i proved her wrong: i am just as caring, nurturing, and patient as any other devoted nurses could possibly be.
During 1989, my high school freshman year, George Michiael's solo debut, "Faith", topped the Billboard chart. Back then he was such a pop idol, and he became mine too. i devoured news about him, bought the album, learned each song, collected pocket-size pics of him, and looked very hard for his autobiography, which unfortunately was not available in my home town. i adored him just as every fan of his would have. But a few years later, i swtiched completely to heavy metal, and almost forgot about him.
True i visited his official website, purchased "The Fear", and will probably get a copy of "The Italian Job" too. Shall these make him my idol? Isn't my idol supposed to be someone whose way of doing things, whose ideology, whose beliefs have the power to transform me?
So i thought back. About fourth grade, i read a story of the "ultimate" nurse, Florence Nightingale, admired her, and wanted to be like her when i grew up. However, mom did not think being a nurse - which means working late-night shifts, taking care of the sick, sometimes watching people die - would be a nice, decent career for me. At that time of my not-yet-too-clear decision, she simply said, "i don't think you are built to care for others." It was almost like saying "you don't have it in you" to me. Much later in life, i proved her wrong: i am just as caring, nurturing, and patient as any other devoted nurses could possibly be.
During 1989, my high school freshman year, George Michiael's solo debut, "Faith", topped the Billboard chart. Back then he was such a pop idol, and he became mine too. i devoured news about him, bought the album, learned each song, collected pocket-size pics of him, and looked very hard for his autobiography, which unfortunately was not available in my home town. i adored him just as every fan of his would have. But a few years later, i swtiched completely to heavy metal, and almost forgot about him.
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Exercise
Starting this Summer B session, i have been working out regularly at Dodge. Each time i do the StairMaster for half an hour (and moved from Level 3 to 6 within the past five weeks), and then i work on a few other "muscle" machines.
This is the second time that i seemed determined to take regular exercise. During our last few months at Eastern, Sam got me into practicing racquetball. But until now, i only played racquetball twice at Dodge. Playing alone obviously does not attract me.
Isn't it odd i work out nowadays only to avoid period pains? i used to be fine with sweating. When the beads of sweat, at times even streams, rushed down my cheeks, my back, or my chest, satisfaction arose. This pure delight of working out is similar to making love; it is a pleasure to enjoy one's own physical being.
i used to love running to my top speed, feeling the breeze, the sweating afterwards, and i liked being under the sun, being outdoors. In elementary school, i was on the track team, until dad decided to pull me out, giving a lame excuse to the team coach that i caught colds often (as if staying away from exercise helped not getting sick). i still stuck to sunlight. Later in junior high, i wasn't a terrific basketball player, but i took every opportunity to play basketball with friends, even in bitter cold when my ears were frozen to the point that my head hurt.
Can't recall when i actually stopped the craving. It was as if i, half-consciously, half-hypnotizedly, bid farewell to a friend that i had long cherished.
Some people might argue, and i tend to agree, that physical training brings inner calmness. i never tried it when feeling blue (which i should have), but it is not hard to imagine how it works. Hard training and tough workout exhausts the body, thus numbing the senses. i think it is also true that, when one falls asleep (due to fatigue), s/he simply does not feel upset or depressed.
Almost had a heart attack today at the gym, or so i thought. It was after i got done with the StairMaster that i began to have some strong stabs of chest pain. Sam said it sounded like low blood sugar, but i did not feel weak as i did every time the low blood sugar occurred.
This time, it might be easier to stick to my workout. After all, i am no longer working alone. The machine is my coach, and it monitors my activity, exact to the second. As long as the physical condition allows, i don't think anyone would want to "surrender" before the machine beeps.
This is the second time that i seemed determined to take regular exercise. During our last few months at Eastern, Sam got me into practicing racquetball. But until now, i only played racquetball twice at Dodge. Playing alone obviously does not attract me.
Isn't it odd i work out nowadays only to avoid period pains? i used to be fine with sweating. When the beads of sweat, at times even streams, rushed down my cheeks, my back, or my chest, satisfaction arose. This pure delight of working out is similar to making love; it is a pleasure to enjoy one's own physical being.
i used to love running to my top speed, feeling the breeze, the sweating afterwards, and i liked being under the sun, being outdoors. In elementary school, i was on the track team, until dad decided to pull me out, giving a lame excuse to the team coach that i caught colds often (as if staying away from exercise helped not getting sick). i still stuck to sunlight. Later in junior high, i wasn't a terrific basketball player, but i took every opportunity to play basketball with friends, even in bitter cold when my ears were frozen to the point that my head hurt.
Can't recall when i actually stopped the craving. It was as if i, half-consciously, half-hypnotizedly, bid farewell to a friend that i had long cherished.
Some people might argue, and i tend to agree, that physical training brings inner calmness. i never tried it when feeling blue (which i should have), but it is not hard to imagine how it works. Hard training and tough workout exhausts the body, thus numbing the senses. i think it is also true that, when one falls asleep (due to fatigue), s/he simply does not feel upset or depressed.
Almost had a heart attack today at the gym, or so i thought. It was after i got done with the StairMaster that i began to have some strong stabs of chest pain. Sam said it sounded like low blood sugar, but i did not feel weak as i did every time the low blood sugar occurred.
This time, it might be easier to stick to my workout. After all, i am no longer working alone. The machine is my coach, and it monitors my activity, exact to the second. As long as the physical condition allows, i don't think anyone would want to "surrender" before the machine beeps.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
My Parallel Blog
To celebrate, i named this particular moment "birth of my other self."
This space is surely not to record an instance of schizophrenia, from which i probably would never have the artistic privilege to suffer. It is rather the "rest of me," which i do not share on my other blog, the MSN space.
My MSN blog is open to the public and is written in Mandarin - making it almost impossible for me to spell my entire heart out. i don't suppose those who stop by (if any), most likely by accident, would ever associate this space here with my other half on MSN.
i am pretty secure here, i guess, and thus...free to roam.
This space is surely not to record an instance of schizophrenia, from which i probably would never have the artistic privilege to suffer. It is rather the "rest of me," which i do not share on my other blog, the MSN space.
My MSN blog is open to the public and is written in Mandarin - making it almost impossible for me to spell my entire heart out. i don't suppose those who stop by (if any), most likely by accident, would ever associate this space here with my other half on MSN.
i am pretty secure here, i guess, and thus...free to roam.
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