An excuse

i kept telling myself, it was for a good cause, it was for a good cause. The five minutes and the contribution, for a good cause...while deep inside i knew it too well; i was doing this for you.

Not my best brake.

Am i really aging?

Dazed. Drained. Brutally jet-lagged.

Flight notes

(7:25 a.m. EST)

Despite the engine's soothing humming, i am having trouble falling back to sleep.

When we were taking off, I thought, this is it, the much-dreaded flight, the scary 15 hours to come (while I could barely make a 20-min car ride).

The upgrade is worth it.

According to the real-time flight tracker, we are no longer over the Anarctica but somewhere near northeast Russia. Almost half way, and some 34,000 feet/10,363 meter up in the air.

Outside, it fluctuates between -80 to -75 F. Far beneath us, there seem to be endless rolling hills. Some land of ice, snow, or whiteness. Well, whiteness in the dusk, though.

Whether it is -80 or -75F, it sounds like a region of temperatures we human beings certainly wouldn't feel like being exposed to, since we'd die of hyperthermia within ten minutes.

So let's not get exposed, please. Thank you, Mr. Captain.

(10:09 a.m. EST)

Over the Sea of Okhotsk. A name I've only heard of in geography class. The exoticness.

Six more hours to go. Fav music mode = one song repeat. And onto the next one.

Dozing off. On and off. Between brief, dimmed sparks of consciousness and the far, far-away land.

All of you, please guard New York till we get back. We will take the next shift.

(12:20 pm EST)

Incredible stunt in Premium Rush. Do bike couriers really ride like that?

Four more hours.

(1:00 pm EST)

What would I be doing today? Therapy, and more data, probably. I am used to the pattern now; breaking the pattern contributes to my insecurity.

Currently playing: Paula Cole's debut album, This Fire. Paula, I need the energy in your anger.

(2:30 pm EST)

I wonder what the girls are doing. We are so far away from you two now.

(3:40 pm EST)

Will be descending soon. Hello Taiwan, we are back.

A pause

Too much i can't breathe.

...tombe pour vous

Peut-être.

Day 54 (Normal Day 2)

Rehabbing. Am i seeing some dim light at the end of the tunnel?

Reality and beyond...

Nova Scotia--you are on my map. You and AR.

Way of life

Stretch. Relax. Let go.

Resolution 2012

Es hora de seguir adelante.

Resuming...

Une pause de cinq mois et je suis de nouveau sous ton charme. Peut-être que je ne vous ai pas oublié.

One quiet night

TB/AR...vous me manques beaucoup...

Epiphany of the day

If it's at least one cup of milk per serving, then milk allergy could be the answer!

The main pre-move activity

Can't say i am not enjoying the mental (and physical) sorting and organizing at all. It's interesting how human beings categorize differently.

Attention seeker

Hmm...can't help baring it all huh? You must be extremely lonely.

Summer twist

Unseasonably cool, but tremendously appreciated. Gotta love these days!

Hate to tell you this but...

Well, i guess you can't force it--the heart wants what the heart wants.

Painful realization

i can't agree more with T.G. that, although saddening, the MI/DB parting "has run its natural course." That said, i am struggling to see whether it was the missing common grounds, or the ever-unfulfilled expectation. But M., whatever the answer is, my heart still aches for you...

Sunday afternoon

The distant Damn Yankees beyond the humming of the air-conditioner. The tipsiness that's coming too strong. Way too strong. The room dancing. The warmer-than-usual cheeks. Maybe flushed. Definitely Hot.

And you, S. Sexy as hell, and as ever. Yes. Spinning, spinning all around you.

(Sigh)

Entering a phase of endless manual paper shredding/tearing...

Another update?

Can't believe July 2012 opens with a few unexpected turns and opportunities. Blooming! Funny that this is not even my birth month but yours.

Overwhelming, but certainly not overwhelmed :-)

Desperately

...in need of a halt.

Must learn to embrace uncertainty, and perhaps the fact that the luster is tapering off. Huit et ensuite neuf.

Already crushed by the fast train and the first-person heartbrokenness. Mais oui, j'ai besoin de se défouler...et vous devez être fort.

KR #7

Crashed...and burnt.

Let it be you

Where is it next, we wonder?

...no drifting. The dawn of all dreams. i feel like grasping the exact moment when Shopgirl cries, "I wanted it to be you...I wanted it to be you so badly!"

¡Pobrecita!

Ha sido una semana de su corazón solitario y sus lágrimas silenciosas...es el momento de decir adiós... ¡Un verdadero adiós!

Trop beau pour être vrai

Oui, c'est déjà presque fini...(mais je sais qu'il est un peu trop tôt pour célébrer)!

Status update

Revision, triceps, revision, triceps...what an inconceivable duo.

The resistance

i may go nuts once in a while these days, but you see, D., you are still not the center of my universe. You never will be :-)

Always "Black"

PJ20!

My way of headless following :-)
/watch?v=pOM-h-bCHVA&ob=av2n

Current status

Entangled, but i so want to be spinning...

On K. S. and B. W.

i have an urge to draw a heart with "FOREVER" marked in it, add a vertical line through the middle, and then write down K. S. and B. W. on either side of the line - as if a trick like this would actually prevent all of us (yes, "us") from the possibility of a someday that once was a heavy heartbreak. (The lid was pulled off too soon, so the steam is now gone. What's to rekindle? Unless...)

Authors are not gods but story-tellers, that part i am well aware of, but it is very unlikely that we can deny that authors OWN the story. They can have it their way - however they want it developed, or most importantly, ended.

i say, if that much dreaded someday did come, i would, i definitely would put up a fight. In my own way.

"You"

Well, sometimes i wonder if "you" being a different pronoun from "I" or "she" or "they" is a conspiracy of the language itself. No gender indicated, unclear singularity/plurality - "you" is a master of disguise all right :-)

Frankly...

i know this is really n.o.m.b., but none of whatever you are doing now will "fill the emptiness." Been there, done that. All the charade doesn't mean that you've moved on, but you got time...you'll get there.

About "Linspirational"

So...with the Knicks' 7th win and now back to .500 - the lesson is you need to be a better version of yourself each and every day!

Okay...

i really think i may have blown it...if there is a next step, i will be very surprised. Damn!

Worst case scenario

So what? Just deal with it!

To January 14, 2012

"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." - Martin Luther King Jr.

80's music always!

You are flying in half an hour, and won't be around for a while. i know my 80's music will fill the emptiness - let the music start!

Hohoho, at this very moment, it's Milli Vanilli and "Blame it on the rain." It's just like the old days, with me and my music 

Make no mistake

You don't own your children and their thoughts, and most certainly not mine. You come here and provoke a fight, i will stand my ground.

(R.W. was so right when he made the statement, "Some water is thicker than blood.")

Oops

Well, this shall not be the conclusion note of the year, but i am seriously fed up with these few months of your vanity and pretense. Please stop being pathetic, and quit pretending to be the person that you are not.

My advice

When you scream that there are hundreds of cars going towards you, maybe it is you that's been going the wrong way.

Dumb as dumb can be

...biting the bullet.

Wish granted

Wish of the year: You want a deadline, you got a deadline! (But leaving a quick note as a post is sort of cheating.)

Truth be told

Turns out that we are all running away from something, somewhere, and/or someone.

Just a thought

People always say "you've got to move on," but sometimes i feel that by doing so we simply left too much behind.

Bidding farewell

i understand that Death eventually will take away all of us - yes, Death, king of darkness, end of everything, of all worldly connections, precious or sad. Death is among us; people die all the time. You've seen it on TV and in the movies. However, when Death turns to those close to you, then this "certainty" becomes cruelly, painfully unexpected.

Grandpa left us on Monday, February 14, 2011, a few days after being rushed to the emergency room one early morning and later to the Intensive Care Unit. At first, it seemed that he might have been able to make it, but his heart and lungs were rapidly failing. He had so much difficulty breathing even with the oxygen mask. Still, his death was not an expected ending of the hospitalization. The following week, each time Mom and i spoke over the phone, she cried hard, and so did i.

That was (Saint) Valentine's Day of 2011.

Seven weeks and a half later, on Friday, April 8, 2011, grandma passed away too. Two weeks before her death, she first complained about some lump in her throat, and was diagnosed of Lymphoma Cancer. The doctor said it was terminal. At the hospital, she did not respond well to the aggressive treatment, lost her appetite and suffered internal bleeding in her stomach, so the treatment was stopped. Grandma asked to go home, the doctor also agreed that home was a better place for her to...leave. She hung on for one more day at home, with her children and grandchildren around her. Dad said Grandma closed her eyes in peace.

Within two months, Mom lost both her parents. i think Dad understood the loss better, because he buried his father a long time ago when he himself just turned a father, and then his mother (my paternal grandmother) in 2002. In Mom's family, somehow the relationships were much tighter and closer. Mom has five other siblings, each married with children. i grew up with cousins my age; all the hanging out was irreplaceable. The get-togethers, the sleepovers, and the holding hands. Mom's family still gets together very often. Now we share the same grief. To me, Grandpa and Grandma were the closer grandparents of all three (my paternal grandfather died before i was born). They had always been the loving, caring grandparents.

i didn't make Grandpa's funeral, and very likely, i will miss Grandma's as well. So Grandpa, Grandma, this is my own farewell to you two: "Goodbye, Grandpa, and goodbye, Grandma!" i know i will be missing you a lot. It's not the "Goodbye!" we grandchildren always yelled at the end of each visit when the car pulled away - it is now a real Goodbye, a Goodbye that will no longer be smiled and waved back at, a Goodbye that can't be unaccompanied with sorry tears, and an end-of-everything Goodbye...

阿公再見！阿嬤再見！

The similarities

Didn't realize until last night the similarities between you and you, the part about not wanting to let go, and about not being able to be true to oneself...

Sad but true

In an event like the devastating earthquake and tsunami in Japan, it is proven again that there is simply no Superman in our world.

Going against the big bully

Well, it all started with the opera singing in the office. AGAIN, for the N-th time. Sometimes it is opera singing right next to you, opera singing in the open lab area, or recorded opera singing on the computer. In general, it's opera singing...for praise. (Frankly the singing was not the only problem. i also hated the part when we were asked to look at the drawings.)

i am self-righteous, that i know for sure, and this time it's definitely personal - but i do not at all regret going against BT, especially after what he said: "Well, I've been here fifty years, so I forgive you."

Case closed

Phew.... Not exactly a milestone, but close.

When exactly...?

Even without an Internet search, i knew this was definitely going to be one of the questions Harry Potter readers ask one another:

"At which point did you cry while reading the Harry Potter books?"

When did you? i did for the first time when Dobby died. So...six and a half? After that, it was quite obvious that there was no need to stay strong :-)

Too late...

And you thought the storm had passed? Guess what, it's just the beginning. Some things are better left unsaid - you've gotta listen to Wiseman Sam.

Time for some cheerleading

You need to believe that one sentence or one paragraph a day is at least some progress...perhaps down to an article read, or even just an idea.

Of course you don't get to run before you learn how to walk.

A quick note...

It's now one day before the targeted completion of my first draft...i think my brain just shut down.

Well, the good news is, i didn't say it was non-rechargeable.

Frustration

Many of us try very hard each day to reduce, reuse, recycle, but BP actually destroys so much with just one oil spill. Damn.

Word of the day...

"Anthropophagus" (man eater)

Silent complaint

Just because you __________ doesn't mean you can __________.

Never before...

Uncomfortably restless and uneasy.

Note on 4/19 (Mon.): Still trying to figure what the cause is. Could be Mimi's upcoming dentistry.

Phasing out

Instances of daily communications switching into personal as opposed to work account, all because of watching the GW launch video. Hmm.

Note: Hmm, something similar happened last September.

A start

If you want an end, then you need a start :-)

First week back at work

A stiff neck and random, excruciating shots of pain at the beginning of the year? How awful! (Sigh)

Just a comment...

Dexter is now scarred.

The beauty of poetry

W. left me an offline message (about the news), and concluded it with a link to Rupert Brooke's "The Hill," which was stunningly beautiful. When i was reading it earlier this afternoon, it froze the time.

i told him i never thought i would fall in love with poetry. In college, fiction was my favorite genre; i couldn't really see why people would want to read or write poems. They were riddles to me - beautiful riddles at most. In my senior year, with a strong passion, i turned to literary criticism. i stayed up at night, read, read, and...read - Foucault was the caffeine that kept me going. Now i realized it was because i was young, and possibly because of the need to hold on to something concrete.

Over these years, though, i began to appreciate poetry and its condensed elegance and subtlety. It seems that somehow, in the process of "middle-aging", my perception of the world (or the texts more precisely) has also evolved, not necessarily for better, but the difference was there. i am now attracted to the charm of stillness: a moment, a glimpse, an image, an emotion, things that were unsaid but present.

To those who bring the world poetic catharses, i salute you!

Crossing over

i never thought this was gonna happen.

Long, long ago, when S switched to Firefox and advised that i do the same thing, i kind of laughed at the idea. But at some point of my life, i, a faithful (a euphemism for "stubborn") IE user, seemed to have gradually "crossed over" to Firefox, Safari, Google Chrome, or...should i say, to...non-IE.

Yes, gradually. (My resistance it was, the italic pause.) Obviously, i wasn't resisting something better; i was simply afraid of change. A static mind, and mental laziness, that's what it was.

No questions, no challenges - no transcendence. Lesson learned.

Be daring

Life is, in most cases, truly not as complicated as we thought it would be. It's just that the clues are not always obvious.

Some quick notes on burning calories

Turned out that the Stairmaster, exactly like the name says it would be, is the master. No, even beyond that, it is the KING!

Imagine this: When you go at Level 40 for half an hour (which is easy), you lose about 230 calories. Nothing else beats this, not the Treadmill, not the Elliptical, not the bicycle.

* (Added the next day) Newsflash: i didn't enter my weight, so the 230 was for people who weigh about 150 pounds! But anyway, the Stairmaster is still No.1.

The soothing greyness

To fall asleep and to wake up to the sound of pouring rain - that is a perfect cycle. i am just so in love with this untainted beautiful greyness. It is...

My city.
My rain.
My kind of gloomy weather.

Facing the "unassigned"

i've only recently come to a sad realization....

You see, the way i was raised may have hugely impeded my approaching of unassigned tasks. i am good following dates, but what i really need to do is set dates. Of course, this probably has a lot to do with my personality - meaning i should not try to blame it on others :-p

The truth is, in terms of THE unassigned task, it's easy as cake to answer a question, or to solve a problem. Now, finding a problem that is worthwhile, and raising a meaningful question...that is indeed priceless. (NO, you did not just steal that tagline from MasterCard!)

Are you aware of...?

Awareness is the key; i am really beginning to believe so. It's all about knowing, or not knowing.

A Thursday afternoon

Either i was extremely weak today, or soft songs just don't get you far on treadmills.

Sunday evening

...the beginning of the end..., or, the beginning of the beginning.

Something funny...and something else by the way

Yes, i should be working hard on eliminating items on my to-do list (which is already two months old!), but this funny thing came up again, and i really couldn't help wanting to talk about it. Before going into details, i need to provide some background information. i (we) have been following five different shows these days, and they are:

• Mondays, "The Closer" on TNT
• Mondays, "Heroes" on NBC (both of us) (okay, we are officially "fading away")
• Wednesdays, "Lost" on ABC (both of us)
• Thursdays, "Ugly Betty" on ABC
• Thursdays, "Grey's Anatomy" on ABC

Of course, oftentimes things came up, and we had to miss the show. But thanks to broadband technology and the incredible generosity of all these television networks (haha), now we get to catch up on missed episodes online.

So...earlier this afternoon, i was watching last night's "The Closer" on tnt.com, and i noticed this thing again on its Full Episodes page. At the upper right-hand corner, there is a button that says "Boss coming? DRAMATIC PAUSE". When you click on it, you'll be brought to an Excel spreadsheet so that when someone walks by, you'd look seriously buried in work. What's even funnier is...the humor doesn't just end here, if you read the spreadsheet, you see columns like "% chance your boss saw you goofing off", "% chance you'll be fired", "% chance your boss even cares", and notes such as "Data complied by a guy well on his way to being fired himself", etc. You'll have to see for yourself!

This reminded me of the humor of a shareware program i played in college, a game that is quite similar to 1a2b in Taiwan. One night, i was on the computer playing the game, and i heard footsteps approaching the door. It could only be my dad checking up on me (to see if i was really working on something serious i guess), so, by instinct, i hit the ESC button, and the scariest thing happened! A monkey showed up on the screen, jumping here and there, and then the dialogue bubble behind the monkey said "You're gonna get caught!" Gosh...now looking back, i could laugh and think of it as "humor", but back then it almost gave me a heartattack!! lol

By the way, my personal rating goes like this:

• Mondays, "The Closer" on TNT
• Thursdays, "Ugly Betty" on ABC
• Wednesdays, "Lost" on ABC (both of us)
• Thursdays, "Grey's Anatomy" on ABC
• Mondays, "Heroes" on NBC (both of us)

List for the break

Christmas Eve. Not surprisingly, we are staying in the city as always :-) Will have dinner at home, and move on to Disk 2, Season 2 of Heroes.

It's not the time to make a wish yet (although for people it probably is), i am still going to put up my to-do list for the break, since having it here seemed to work pretty well back in June :-)

1. Continue the literature review section for our collaborative paper; (Began after New Year's Day!)
2. Finish 1; (a lot of work!)
3. Begin the analysis for my pilot study; (Began 1/18/09)
4. Write 3 up;
5. Begin my own lit review;
6. Go over the stats chapters not covered last semester;
7. Push S! (Finished 1/19/09)

To T.C.

Although we no longer hear from you and don't really care, just learned from a mutual friend that you are getting married soon. We also saw the wedding photos.

It's funny to be reminded how things have changed - between you and him, between you...and us. i never had a sister; i guess you were as close as one could possibly be. But most sisters do not drift apart. After all, we were just friends.

He looked very happy in the photos. Obviously he adores you :-) i wonder though, after all these years, if you have managed to tone down the stubbornness, and learned to not take relationships for granted. A clean slate is a precious thing; some people have to fight hard for one.

i know you would not see this. But still, congratulations! We are happy for you.

...for those years.

Almost ready

Just finished the practice midterm. i got 30 out of 34, which is 88.23%. Grrr...

The interesting thing is...i took it very seriously, treated it exactly as if it were THE exam. i set the alarm, followed the format, and even panicked when there was still one particular question that i wasn't sure how to approach, when the two-hour time limit was finally coming up.

Okay...i got one more day. i think i am almost ready.

So orderly, yet so empty

Yes, it's that time of year again, time for you to pack, leave, and stay extremely busy for a week somewhere 45 minutes up north in T-Town.

When you are away, things drastically slow down. It's like all of a sudden i have on my hands all the time, all this space, all the silence, and despite the fact that i hardly ever turn on the TV, all the channels to myself. The rooms are neat; no loose items on the floor here and there, the chairs pulled back under the dining table, the couch cushions well in place, the kitchen and bathroom lights immediately off, the power cords tucked away. Things are in order, in a way they normally don't get to be.

When you are away, orderly is this small apartment, yet empty.

The luxury

Over the past few weeks, the desk beside the bedroom window stayed a messy on-site storage for statements, receipts, notes, letters, articles...stuff i was more than unwilling to "process". Finally, one morning last week, with about two hours of shredding and filing, i got it all tidied up - tidied up to the degree that, on the 42" x 22" polished wooden desk top, there is nothing but an 11 inch laptop.

It was an eyesore; it is now a pride.

Turned out that the number 5 somehow "damaged" me, after all. The stats class couldn't have been the only reason, although it is also true that i am never a library person. What i need is exactly a moment like this: cool air through the window, a hot cup of coffee (seldom though), a list of items that i keep crossing out, the actual progress along the chapters and exercises. i need to be fulfilled, i am trying to be self-motivated. Maybe this luxury can help, the luxury of having an open, clean study space all to myself at the beginning of my 5th.

Transcending

Eastward on the 33rd Street i walked, savoring a half glimpse of the Empire State Building — to catch the second half of my Year-two, mid-summer commute. In about twenty minutes, the train would take me across the Hudson River to the other side, where this cooler, early Autumn air has been making my eight-block walk more relaxing and inviting than ever. Occasionally, on the sidewalk, the breezes would rustle through the tree leaves, and slowly brush me by. When it comes, you would want to keep walking, and walking.

It was this lulling softness in the air, perhaps among some other things, that had brought back to me the dream of reading. By reading i did not mean newspapers, magazines or tough articles, certainly not subway ads. Last night i had pulled out Sherwood Anderson's The Egg and Other Stories from the top of the shelf, slid it into my tote, so that earlier this morning on the downtown express train it would rescue me from the usual dullness accompanying my hour-long commutes. It did, his lightly plotted prose. Hardly any action there was, but the voices of the narrator leading me, with the same softness, into the same trance of that quiet, heavily tree-lined residential neighborhood.

i would not want this to end.

The condemnation

When i wake up tomorrow, i might find myself weighed down, very likely all the way at the bottom, by the regret for having a whole year (or a whole month, even just a whole week) and still...not making the August 1st deadline. But...who else am i trying to fool but myself?

The bitter truth is, whether this happens as a direct result of my procrastination or not, i am not a responsible adult. i am this ROV on an open sea, programmed to but somehow failed to self-propel. i am simply not capable. [Right...a loser statement it is.]

Perhaps the best penalty of all...is not being able to make it. The best lesson even, it almost seems.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Let bygones be bygones, i have to learn to. S is right, "it is not the end of the world", though it has to be the beginning of a new chapter.

An observer's note

To say that he smashed the heart against the wall, and that, all over the floor, in quiet melancholy the shattered pieces waited...is just too subtle.

Follow-up of my end-of-June resolution

Once again (and not surprisingly), these days i am having a hard time falling asleep, be it 11:30 p.m., 12:30 p.m., or even an alarming two o'clock in the morning.

When friends complain of the same problem, i always tell them to "free up" their mind at least an hour before bed time. The strategy could possibly work for me too, but this time i think i know exactly why. It's the sense of procrastinating or worse, time-wasting guilt, over a couple of things i should've completed a month ago. Yes, ONE MONTH ago!!

Which is why i must say it out loud here. First things first: Tonight, i am going to:

• continue and finish my pilot proposal (which i wanted to send out by the end of May); (completed: 10:25 pm)
• get the TECO funding application done (which should've been submitted back in April); (completed: 7/3, 9:00 pm) - - -> There was still procrastination, but...better than nothing :-)
• and to resume my work on J's site (which is still far from completion, since it requires so much tweaking). (template and site layout completed: 7/13, 5:30 pm)

Phew, i am already feeling better :-) (Sagittariuses are naive, aren't they? Okay, i know, it's just me....) Anyway, let's hope that, once i get rid of the first two, i will be at peace with myself again at the end of the day, and that the familiar shroud of drowsiness will come visit me immediately after i'm settled in bed, despite the caffeine i had earlier.

Farewell to this curse of insanity!

End-of-June resolution

i have to NOT procrastinate.

A Wednesday afternoon

After lunch with S, i brought some data back and am working from home. It's the first day after the four-day-in-a-row, above-the-100s heat wave finally decided to take off (and return to whichever evil planet it was from).

At this minute, there is no air-conditioning and yet no sweating, just the box fan going at the lowest speed beside me. In my glass mug sits one-third of Starbucks Frappuccino mixed with two-thirds of milk. It is still icy, yes, but i can wait. Over the speaker, Mariah Carey is repeatedly singing Against All Odds. It touches me as always. The usual uptown noises are not here on our street, and the girls are sound asleep on the living room rug. i guess...if it weren't for that heat wave, sometimes i simply forget how pleasant THIS MOMENT could be.

Pat and his guitar

i might not be blind, but i am totally deaf :-(

The break-up

i broke it up; it's hard to believe, but i just did.

Sometimes you wonder why things happen and why break-ups take place. Well, here comes the moment of truth: People had enough...or thought they did. In the latter case, what they do is try to make up. So...human beings break up, make up, break up, make up...until they are tired of it?

If it is hard in a virtual world, it's gotta be even more difficult in reality.

A reason to fall

They say people are emotionally at their weakest when they get ill. To quite some extent, i'd second that.

Two weeks ago, i was so sick that i actually believed i was going to die. There was this one afternoon that i had slept too much to fall back into slumber, and i saw this news of a dog hit by a car, paralyzed, possibly losing his life. All of a sudden, my tears gushed down fast and hard, all of which soon turned into bawling.

i realized, right at that moment, that i was crying for myself. i guess after all, all they needed was a reason to fall.

Much less fun...

i am definitely with you. It's going to be much less fun :-( However, the Sagittarius in me is also working: it could just be much less fun for...not even two years?

i like you

Perhaps some day you will realize that...in the weirdest sense, i like you, not as some quiet drop of morning dew on a maple leaf that, before the first ray of sunlight settles in, ceases to be.

...but...as a true friend. More or less.

Some confession

So this is what they call...one lie after another.

My summer 2007 commute

Thoughts on the home-bound express train:

"Every station passed...
is a few blocks closer."

i thought...

...i had so much to tell (with three drafts piled up along my assembly line), but it turned out that i did not say anything.

Must be the heat :-)

Realization of absurdity

First time we talked about Samuel Beckett in college, i found the word "absurdity" itself quite an absurd instance. If the word can actually logically define itself, i guess my point was that "absurdity" is an occurrence that happens by comparison.

But today on the subway home, when i sensed how rapidly we were traveling in that long, dark tunnel, that absurdity suddenly seized me. Inside the train, small groups of people here and there were loudly chatting, at the same time firmly holding on to where they were. It was only a short moment, but that absurdity was for real.

Action movies

About 6 p.m. yesterday evening, the night before 4th of July, we decided at the very last minute to finally take advantage of Sam's complimentary AMC tickets (which were part of some nice Christmas gifts from work a while back).

We meant to go for "1408", and we did. i've always enjoyed nice thrills for some breath-holding moments and totally unexpected, chilling scares. There is definitely a reason why thrillers sell. And yet, to me, another genre has a tighter grasp, and is simply...above and beyond. When we were done with "1408", i did not want to leave, because, right next to it, "Live Free Or Die Hard" was playing in another twenty minutes.

i know i do not blog about movies unless there is some point i want to get to. Movies, as always, are a quiet existence in my journal, along with dated ticket stubs and, mostly, my thoughts. So, right...i am still not blogging about "Live Free Or Die Hard" here, even though i truly think Bruce Willis is such an amazingly classy action hero. He is just...THE guy.

In college, i went to movies a lot, mostly alone, and action movies were my priority for sure. As people always say, if you want to see action, you gotta see it on the big screen. An action movie - or the element of "adventure" in it - is a continuation of our childhood fantasies, in which most people get to, for a short couple of hours, escape the banality of life. The hero is brave, makes quick, right decisions, and never dies. He is always the last man standing - a real-life superman...on the screen.

i LOVE adventure, but in reality, i probably wouldn't be able to handle it too well (look what my adrenaline can do!), and to be honest, i am fine with my normal life :-) As i'm getting older these years, i am also drawn to comedy, but deep inside, i know that good action movies will aaalllways be my favorite. Perhaps i am just like the kid in "Last Action Hero" (a metafictive action movie, or...a meta-action?): the dream is there for ever.

June 2007...such a long way

Took me years to finally be unblinded from this frustrating revelation: i am fighting a battle that is never won. Never did, and never will.

It used to be fine being the submissive. Sometimes, the simplicity of life, of not asking, of not sensing, proves to be a true blessing. For years, i had hardly questioned my role in this domestic reality, until that phone conversation with J a while back. "You should always push," she said, "don't be the good one." It made sense, i thought. So i fought. And i've been losing.

i wonder if it's all going to come down to the fact that, although some people have no trouble at all, this golden rule just would not work for me. Wait a second, if it doesn't work for me, then it is not a golden rule!

Turns out that June 2007 is such a revealing combination of month and year.

One machine load of free laundry...

...and a long queue and a grumpy evening?

Some time last Friday when the spring break finally came and it smelled wet outside the window, our floor CA sent an email specifying out-of-order machines in the laundry room.

According to the facility office, these machines had trouble dealing with rugs. Towards the end of the email, in a corner that most people might've neglected due to a habit of skipping information, our CA added that, "Also know that machine 25 is now working without needing to put money on it. This is only temporary until the system is completely fixed."

Wasn't it inviting? i actually wondered if she meant to ask the residents to go down for one machine load of free laundry, and was just curious how people would react to that email.

With the question in mind, i immediately pulled up the LaundryView Monitoring System in my browser. In about ten minutes, Machine #25...and watch this! ONLY Machine #25...lighted up and started vibrating on my computer screen. Right! Someone read through the email for sure!

Later through that night, Machine #25 kept its busy status, while the seven other washing machines remained unoccupied. i was like, "c'mon guys, it's just one dollar!" until Sam pulled me away from in front of the computer screen. i thought they were obsessed with that one dollar, but obviously...i was also obsessed watching people obsessed with that one dollar....

Superhuman

During this holiday season, Sam and i watched the first season of the "Heroes" on NBC.com. Although the characters are super-human, the theme is "survive or perish", beyond the usual "good vs. evil" scope.

Instead of a fantasy, the storyline had it set up so it is a scientifical and genetical possibility that humans evolve into super-humans. If, according to Darwin, we were apes in the first place, then human evolution (again) might not be entirely a crazy idea.

While we were watching the 9th episode, i asked Sam which super-power he would choose if he was given the opportunity; he picked Hiro's ability of bending time and space. Later that night, we happened to come across a two-hour Sci-fi original investigation into the Bermuda Triangle...and i began to wonder (with my limited human cognition and intelligence) how our earthly rules could keep working if humans evolve into time-stopping and space-bending beings. It is literally like...numerous Bermuda Triangles on this planet, and these black holes overlap with one another - how does our linear world physically interact with this...anomaly? But on the other hand, i am obviously asking this question as a normal human being.... After all, 1,000 years ago, people could never have imagined what we have today, could they?

A political poem

i see blooming greenish land and trees,
right by the lovely blue sea,
up above shines the orange sun --
that is where i came from.

Letting go...

i've always thought that letting go was one of the hardest things in my world.

But you see...today, when they were walking down the street, away from my sight, i realized...letting go, after all, might be an easier job than trying to hang on to something that is meant to go away.

...Perhaps...it has something to do with the fact that i am already in my thirties?

Weakest link

Once in a while, it would come to a point where i need to take a long moment from work and go use the restroom. Very often, the restroom is empty, and there is no one but me.

Occasionally, someone will come in and join the silence. i will hear sounds that resemble the door, some seat paper, and..., the flush, and then the soap being pressed, followed by some washing.

Sometimes, among that occasionally, sounds of the soap and the washing will not be there. My curiosity will rise, and i will be wanting to see who it is to omit those sounds. But i always sit there and wonder, "These people are educated; why did they forget to wash their hands?"

Until today...i realized, human beings are probably the only creatures over the planet that wash the hands. There is always the fear of bacteria, germs, virus, whatsoever, and there are commercials selling products claiming that, once you spray them on your kitchen countertop, they kill all the bad things.

And yet, with these precautions, humans are still constantly knocked down by a cold, flu, diarrhea, and some infection. We are by all means the weakest link, at the same moment as we are convinced our civilization has made us the smartest.

Crossing the line

Last Saturday on TNT, we watched two movies in a row, two movies that we saw a long time ago: Signs, and Mothman Prophecies.

What is the odds showing films like these, one right after another? In The Signs, Mel Gibson was afraid of crossing that "fine thread of sanity", of mentally stepping away from the human comfort zone, the normal territory -- afraid of wandering off to that "other" side.

Human beings, as distinctly intelligent and free-willed as they claimed themselves to be, are trained and encouraged to stay on "this" side of the line, the line of "seeing is believing", which unfortunately is also the line of human limits. Even when we/they actually see (e.g., what happens in Mothman Prophecies), we/they still do not believe. Instead, as if it was some impulse, we/they immediately try to make sense out of it -- our sense, or, human sense -- within some sensible and comprehensible boundary. Still, it's that fear of crossing over and losing our sanity.

Collecting the memories?

When i was downstairs "obeying the alternate side parking rules", i found myself staring at the sky and lost...in time.

Maybe she was right. Maybe each eyeful of it links to some particular memory...like a mesmerized soul when the 80s music is playing.